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Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
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Plato
	For the greater good.
Karl Marx
	It was a historical inevitability.
Machiavelli
	So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue?  In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.
Hippocrates
	Because of an excess of black bile and a deficiency of choleric humour.
Jacques Derrida
	Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!
Thomas de Torquemada
	Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary
	Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Douglas Adams
	Forty-two
Nietzsche
	Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
B. F. Skinner
	Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.
Carl Jung
	The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Jean-Paul Sartre
	In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Ludwig Wittgenstein
	The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
Albert Einstein
	Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Aristotle
	To actualize its potential.
Gautama Siddharta (Buddha)
	If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
David Hume
	Out of custom and habit.
Salvador Dalí
	The Fish.
Darwin
	It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Emily Dickinson
	Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus
	For fun.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
	It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Johann von Goethe
	The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Ernest Hemingway
	To die. In the rain.
Werner Heisenberg
	We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
Jack Nicholson
	'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.
Pyrrho the Skeptic
	What Road?
The Sphinx
	You tell me.
Henry David Thoreau
	To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.
Howard Cosell
	It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history.  An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.
Ronald Reagan
	I forget.
Mark Twain
	The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Zeno of Elea
	To prove it could never reach the other side.
Oliver North
	National security was at stake.
Saddam Hussein
	This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
John Sununu
	The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.
Jane Austen
	Because it is truth universally acknowledged that a single chicken, being possessed of a good fortune and presented with a good road.
Neil Armstrong
	One small step for chickenkind, one giant leap for poultry.
Lord Baden Powell
	Because as a Chicken Scout, it needed the Road-Crossing Merit Badge.
Baldrick
	It had a cunning plan.
Roseann Barr
	Urrrrp. What chicken???
George Bush
	If it did, it was out of the loop...
Rhett Butler
	Frankly my dear, it didn't give a damn.
Julius Caesar
	It came, it saw, it crossed.
Joseph Campbell
	In primitive cultures, we can find many such examples if the chicken motif that cannot be  dismissed as mere coincidence. For instance, I am reminded of an old Navajo legend in which  a buffalo crosses a stream to come to the other side - - - an obvious negative language  devised to prepare tribesmen for a transcendental experience. Similarly, the Hindus believed  in savanaya, or a sacred cow that leaps over a chasm on Thursdays. Through metaphorical  intepretation, we are lead to realize that all examples suggest an attainable higher  state of consciousness like that of Nietzsche's Übermensch, or superman, as outlined in his novel "THUS SPOKE ZARATHUSTRA".
Noam Chomsky
	To manufacture consent.
Tom Clancy
	The Mark 84 Gargleblaster that the chicken carried, at the heart of which was an inferior ex-Soviet excimer laser system, had insufficient range to allow the chicken to carry out its mission from this side of the road.
Bill Clinton
	The chicken was persuaded to cross the road by the democratic congress. It is now returning to the middle road...
John Cleese
	This Chicken was no more. It has ceased to function. Bereft of life, it rests in peace.  It's a stiff. If it wasn't nailed to the road, it'd be pushing up daises. It's snuffed it. It's metabolic processes are now history. It's bleeding demised. It's rung down the curtain, shuffled off the mortal coil and joined the bleeding Choir Invisible. This is an Ex-Chicken.
René Descartes
	The chicken was merely a machine and was crossing due to the deterministic nature of the universe.
Gerald R. Ford
	It probably fell from an airplane and couldn't stop its forward momentum.
Sigmund Freud
	The chicken was obviously a female and obviously interpreted the pole on which the crosswalk sign was mounted as a phallic symbol of which she was envious, selbstverständlich.
Newt Gingrich
	To get to the RIGHT side of the road.
Ira Glasser
	The chicken maintains an absolute privacy interest in information as to whether or why he or she may have perambulated the thoroughfare.
Fox Mulder
	You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
Dana Scully
	It was a simple bio-mechanical reflex that is commonly found in chickens.
Richard M. Nixon
	The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.
Jerry Seinfeld
	Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"
Oliver Stone
	The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road? But is rather, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
Louis Farrakhan
	The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
Martin Luther King
	I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Grandpa
	In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Pat Buchanan
	To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
The Bible
	And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
O. J. Simpson
	It didn't. I was playing golf with the chicken at the time.
Mr. Spock
	The question is most illogical. I fail to see why any rational being would take the time and energy necessary to ponder this question.
James T. Kirk
	To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Worf
	The chicken had to cross the road to avoid shame. It would be dishonorable for it to remain when it could confront life like a warrior.
T. S. Elliot
	It's not that they cross, but that they cross like chickens.
Hamlet
	Because 'tis better to suffer in the mind the slings and arrows of outrageous road of maintenance than to take arms against a sea of oncoming vehicles.
Thomas Hardy
	The road was black and the sky was white, and so were the feathers, as the bright red mark on the top of the chicken's head gleamed in the twilight. It was a pure chicken and it was DOOMED.
Franz Kafka
	Dieter, now in the form of chicken, was running from the government torture machine. The machine, an instrument of death, slowly obliterated the souls of its victims. Dieter was alone. He was running for his life, his insignificant life.
H. P. Lovecraft
	To futilely attempt escape from the dark powers which even then pursued it, hungering after the stuff of its soul!
Ilya Prigogine
	Because the road was in unstable equilibrium.
Vladimir I. Lenin
	Roads are the opium for the poultry!
Georg W. F. Hegel
	Only through the synthesis of the dialectical chicken and road could the spirit transcend the experience of crossing.
Karl R. Popper
	It falsified the hypothesis that it could cross the road.
John Locke
	Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.
Albert Camus
	It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.
Immanuel Kant
	The pure transcendental concept of the road, having been deduced a priori and without dependence on intuitions, is given in the mode of the chicken as an end in itself, while crossing the road as a hypothetical imperative, namely, as acting towards some end allowed by Reason.
M. C. Escher
	That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.
George Orwell
	Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.
Stephen Jay Gould
	It is possible that there is a sociobiological explanation for it, but we have been deluged in recent years with sociobiological stories despite the fact that we have little direct evidence about the genetics of behavior, and we do not know how to obtain it for the specific behaviors that figure most prominently in sociobiological speculation.
Erwin Schrödinger
	Chicken?  Chicken!?  Where's my cat?
Frank Perdue
	I breed the finest chicken I know how, and it crosses the road as part of a vigorous fitness program to raise the leanest, plumpest birds anywhere.  Besides, I was chasing it with this axe at the time.
Forest Gump
	Because Chickens are like that sometimes, and Mama always said, chickens are like that, sometimes.
Steven Segal
	That doesn't matter now, we have to get her back here safe and sound, and kill as many people necessary, creating as many incredible explosions, and  damaging as much property as spectacularly as possible.
Joseph Stalin
	It was clearly a conspiracy. Take all the chickens out and shoot them. At Once!
Colonel Sanders
	I missed one?
Marcus Antonius
	The evil that chickens do lives after them, the good is oft interred with their bones.
Arthur, King of the Britons
	What do you mean?  African or European chickens?
Paul Atreides
	What name have you for the chicken shaped stain upon your road?  That shall be the name that you shall call me!
Clive Barker
	He was drawn to the road, and he didn't so much cross the road as the road crossed him.  And once across, the chicken entered into a frightening void, filled only with the screams of a thousand agonized souls.  The hands of doom reached out of the blackness, strangling the chicken, smothering him, suffocating him.  He could not escape, as no one who crosses the road can escape.  He was now a prisoner of the Cenobytes, doomed to an eternity of pain.
The Beatles
	To be free as a bird!
Lavrenti Berija
	This is a State Secret -- we have informants everywhere.
Candide
	To cultivate its garden.
John Constantine
	Because it'd made a bollocks of things over on this side of the road and figured it'd better get out right quick.
Bob Dylan
	How many roads must a chicken travel down, before they call him a man?
Wyatt Earp
	Well, chicken, are you gonna do something, or just stand there and bleed?
Sören Kirkegaard
	The chicken is dead.  The road is nothing.
Leibniz
	In this best possible world, the road was made for it to cross.
David Letterman
	And the No. 1 reason - fricasee!
George Lucas
	Because the force was with it.
Groucho Marx
	Chicken?  What's all this talk about chicken?  Why, I had an uncle who thought he was a chicken.  My aunt almost divorced him, but we needed the eggs.
Perry Mason
	Cross the road you say?  But how can you be sure?  No one else would have known the chicken crossed the road except for the real killer!
Dr. McCoy
	How should I know? Damnit Jim, I'm a Doctor not an ornithologist!
Gregor Mendel
	To get various strains of roads.
John Milton
	To justify the ways of God to men.
Jim Morrison
	To break on through to the other side, I am the chicken king
Isaac Newton
	Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.
Wolfgang Pauli
	There already was a chicken on the other side of the road.
Elvis Presley
	You aint nothin' but a chicken, crossin' all the roads!
Monty Python
	For something completely different
The Red Queen
	Who cares? Off with it's head!
The White Rabbit
	It was late.
Macbeth
	If it were done, when 'tis done, then 'twere well It were done quickly: if the crossing Could scoot across the dotted line, and catch, Beyond passing car, sidewalk; that but these feathers Might be the be-all and end-all here, But here, at this corner of street and avenue, We'd cross at the light to come.
Sisyphus
	Was it pushing a rock, too?
Socrates
	To pick up some hemlock at the corner druggist.
John Steinbeck
	The road baked in the relentless summer sun as the chicken, looking about, began to cross.  It stopped occasionally to peck at a grass seed that had become lodged in a crevice in the cracked macadam.  The chicken reached the other side, then began making his way to the Salinas,  which lay muddy and turgid in the July afternoon, all the while thinking of the cool shade by the river and how good the can of beans in his bedroll would taste tonight.
Darth Vader
	Because it could not resist the power of the Dark Side.
Mae West
	'Cause I invited it to come up and see me sometime.
George Washington
	I cannot tell a lie.  I was going to chop it with my little axe, so it crossed the road.
Sarah Peterson
	To get to the Miguel Bosé look alike.
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