. . .
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
. . .
  For the greater good.
Karl Marx  
  It was a historical inevitability.
  So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue?  In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.
  Because of an excess of black bile and a deficiency of choleric humour.
Jacques Derrida  
  Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!
Thomas de Torquemada  
  Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary  
  Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Douglas Adams  
  Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
B. F. Skinner  
  Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.
Carl Jung  
  The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Jean-Paul Sartre  
  In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Ludwig Wittgenstein  
  The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
Albert Einstein  
  Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
  To actualize its potential.
Gautama Siddharta (Buddha)  
  If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
David Hume  
  Out of custom and habit.
Salvador Dalí  
  The Fish.
  It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Emily Dickinson  
  Because it could not stop for death.
  For fun.
Ralph Waldo Emerson  
  It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Johann von Goethe  
  The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Ernest Hemingway  
  To die. In the rain.
Werner Heisenberg  
  We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
Jack Nicholson  
  'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.
Pyrrho the Skeptic  
  What Road?
The Sphinx  
  You tell me.
Henry David Thoreau  
  To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.
Howard Cosell  
  It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history.  An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.
Ronald Reagan  
  I forget.
Mark Twain  
  The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Zeno of Elea  
  To prove it could never reach the other side.
Oliver North  
  National security was at stake.
Saddam Hussein  
  This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. 
John Sununu  
  The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity. 
Jane Austen  
  Because it is truth universally acknowledged that a single chicken, being possessed of a good fortune and presented with a good road. 
Neil Armstrong  
  One small step for chickenkind, one giant leap for poultry.
Lord Baden Powell  
  Because as a Chicken Scout, it needed the Road-Crossing Merit Badge.
  It had a cunning plan.
Roseann Barr  
  Urrrrp. What chicken??? 
George Bush  
  If it did, it was out of the loop...
Rhett Butler  
  Frankly my dear, it didn't give a damn.
Julius Caesar  
  It came, it saw, it crossed. 
Joseph Campbell  
  In primitive cultures, we can find many such examples if the chicken motif that cannot be  dismissed as mere coincidence. For instance, I am reminded of an old Navajo legend in which 
a buffalo crosses a stream to come to the other side - - - an obvious negative language  devised to prepare tribesmen for a transcendental experience. Similarly, the Hindus believed 
in savanaya, or a sacred cow that leaps over a chasm on Thursdays. Through metaphorical  intepretation, we are lead to realize that all examples suggest an attainable higher  state of consciousness like that of Nietzsche's Übermensch, or superman, as outlined in his novel "THUS SPOKE ZARATHUSTRA". 
Noam Chomsky  
  To manufacture consent.
Tom Clancy  
  The Mark 84 Gargleblaster that the chicken carried, at the heart of which was an inferior ex-Soviet excimer laser system, had insufficient range to allow the chicken to carry out its mission from this side of the road. 
Bill Clinton  
  The chicken was persuaded to cross the road by the democratic congress. It is now returning to the middle road... 
John Cleese  
  This Chicken was no more. It has ceased to function. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. 
It's a stiff. If it wasn't nailed to the road, it'd be pushing up daises. It's snuffed it. It's metabolic processes are now history. It's bleeding demised. It's rung down the curtain, shuffled off the mortal coil and joined the bleeding Choir Invisible. This is an Ex-Chicken. 
René Descartes  
  The chicken was merely a machine and was crossing due to the deterministic nature of the universe. 
Gerald R. Ford  
  It probably fell from an airplane and couldn't stop its forward momentum.
Sigmund Freud  
  The chicken was obviously a female and obviously interpreted the pole on which the crosswalk sign was mounted as a phallic symbol of which she was envious, selbstverständlich. 
Newt Gingrich  
  To get to the RIGHT side of the road.
Ira Glasser  
  The chicken maintains an absolute privacy interest in information as to whether or why he or she may have perambulated the thoroughfare. 
Fox Mulder  
  You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it? 
Dana Scully  
  It was a simple bio-mechanical reflex that is commonly found in chickens. 
Richard M. Nixon  
  The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. 
Jerry Seinfeld  
  Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?" 
Oliver Stone  
  The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road? But is rather, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?" 
Louis Farrakhan  
  The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down. 
Martin Luther King  
  I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. 
  In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. 
Pat Buchanan  
  To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American. 
The Bible  
  And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. 
O. J. Simpson  
  It didn't. I was playing golf with the chicken at the time. 
Mr. Spock  
  The question is most illogical. I fail to see why any rational being would take the time and energy necessary to ponder this question.
James T. Kirk  
  To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
  The chicken had to cross the road to avoid shame. It would be dishonorable for it to remain when it could confront life like a warrior. 
T. S. Elliot  
  It's not that they cross, but that they cross like chickens.
  Because 'tis better to suffer in the mind the slings and arrows of outrageous road of maintenance than to take arms against a sea of oncoming vehicles. 
Thomas Hardy  
  The road was black and the sky was white, and so were the feathers, as the bright red mark on the top of the chicken's head gleamed in the twilight. It was a pure chicken and it was DOOMED. 
Franz Kafka  
  Dieter, now in the form of chicken, was running from the government torture machine. The machine, an instrument of death, slowly obliterated the souls of its victims. Dieter was alone. He was running for his life, his insignificant life. 
H. P. Lovecraft  
  To futilely attempt escape from the dark powers which even then pursued it, hungering after the stuff of its soul!
Ilya Prigogine  
  Because the road was in unstable equilibrium.
Vladimir I. Lenin  
  Roads are the opium for the poultry!
Georg W. F. Hegel  
  Only through the synthesis of the dialectical chicken and road could the spirit transcend the experience of crossing.
Karl R. Popper  
  It falsified the hypothesis that it could cross the road.
John Locke  
  Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.
Albert Camus  
  It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.
Immanuel Kant  
  The pure transcendental concept of the road, having been deduced a priori and without dependence on intuitions, is given in the mode of the chicken as an end in itself, while crossing the road as a hypothetical imperative, namely, as acting towards some end allowed by Reason.
M. C. Escher  
  That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.
George Orwell  
  Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.
Stephen Jay Gould  
  It is possible that there is a sociobiological explanation for it, but we have been deluged in recent years with sociobiological stories despite the fact that we have little direct evidence about the genetics of behavior, and we do not know how to obtain it for the specific behaviors that figure most prominently in sociobiological
Erwin Schrödinger  
  Chicken?  Chicken!?  Where's my cat?
Frank Perdue  
  I breed the finest chicken I know how, and it crosses the road as part of a vigorous fitness program to raise the leanest, plumpest birds anywhere.  Besides, I was chasing it with this axe at the time.
Forest Gump  
  Because Chickens are like that sometimes, and Mama always said, chickens are like that, sometimes.
Steven Segal  
  That doesn't matter now, we have to get her back here safe and sound, and kill as many people necessary, creating as many incredible explosions, and  damaging as much property as spectacularly as possible.
Joseph Stalin  
  It was clearly a conspiracy. Take all the chickens out and shoot them. At Once!
Colonel Sanders  
  I missed one?
Marcus Antonius  
  The evil that chickens do lives after them, the good is oft interred with their bones.
Arthur, King of the Britons  
  What do you mean?  African or European chickens?
Paul Atreides  
  What name have you for the chicken shaped stain upon your road?  That shall be the name that you shall call me!
Clive Barker  
  He was drawn to the road, and he didn't so much cross the road as the road crossed him.  And once across, the chicken entered into a frightening void, filled only with the screams of a thousand agonized souls.  The hands of doom reached out of the blackness, strangling the chicken, smothering him, suffocating him.  He could not escape, as no one who crosses the road can escape.  He was now a prisoner of the Cenobytes, doomed to an eternity of pain.
The Beatles  
  To be free as a bird!
Lavrenti Berija  
  This is a State Secret -- we have informants everywhere.
  To cultivate its garden.
John Constantine  
  Because it'd made a bollocks of things over on this side of the road and figured it'd better get out right quick.
Bob Dylan  
  How many roads must a chicken travel down, before they call him a man?
Wyatt Earp  
  Well, chicken, are you gonna do something, or just stand there and bleed?
Sören Kirkegaard  
  The chicken is dead.  The road is nothing.
  In this best possible world, the road was made for it to cross.
David Letterman  
  And the No. 1 reason - fricasee!
George Lucas  
  Because the force was with it.
Groucho Marx  
  Chicken?  What's all this talk about chicken?  Why, I had an uncle who thought he was a chicken.  My aunt almost divorced him, but we needed the eggs.
Perry Mason  
  Cross the road you say?  But how can you be sure?  No one else would have known the chicken crossed the road except for the real killer!
Dr. McCoy  
  How should I know? Damnit Jim, I'm a Doctor not an ornithologist!
Gregor Mendel  
  To get various strains of roads.
John Milton  
  To justify the ways of God to men.
Jim Morrison  
  To break on through to the other side, I am the chicken king
Isaac Newton  
  Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.
Wolfgang Pauli  
  There already was a chicken on the other side of the road.
Elvis Presley  
  You aint nothin' but a chicken, crossin' all the roads!
Monty Python  
  For something completely different
The Red Queen  
  Who cares? Off with it's head!
The White Rabbit  
  It was late.
  If it were done, when 'tis done, then 'twere well
It were done quickly: if the crossing
Could scoot across the dotted line, and catch,
Beyond passing car, sidewalk; that but these feathers
Might be the be-all and end-all here,
But here, at this corner of street and avenue,
We'd cross at the light to come. 
  Was it pushing a rock, too?
  To pick up some hemlock at the corner druggist.
John Steinbeck  
  The road baked in the relentless summer sun as the chicken, looking about, began to cross.  It stopped occasionally to peck at a grass seed that had become lodged in a crevice in the cracked macadam.  The chicken reached the other side, then began making his way to the Salinas,  which lay muddy and turgid in the July afternoon, all the while thinking of the cool shade by the river and how good the can of beans in his bedroll would taste tonight.
Darth Vader  
  Because it could not resist the power of the Dark Side.
Mae West  
  'Cause I invited it to come up and see me sometime.
George Washington  
  I cannot tell a lie.  I was going to chop it with my little axe, so it crossed the road.
Sarah Peterson  
  To get to the Miguel Bosé look alike.